 Hairy
Palms
Sex Advice With Grandma Scrotum
Dear Grandma, I've developed a
bit of a thing for my vacuum cleaner. The nozzle is just the right
size for me, and it gives the best head I've ever had. I'm
starting to neglect my girlfriend, and last week I took the vacuum
out to dinner. I don't want to leave my girlfriend, coz she makes
great nachos, but I can't stop thinking about my Hoover. Any
suggestions? Well, sonny, the first thing that springs to mind is the Himmler-Mercedes method of suction sex, developed by the Nazis during the war. This involves attaching the Hoover to one end of your girlfriend, and your dick to the other. Unfortunately this contravenes all current human rights conventions and can cause irreparable damage to the said vacuum. I can only suggest that you teach your girlfriend to suck harder, as Hoovers are not yet able to make Nachos. Dear Grandma I recently started
going out with a great girl. We have a lot of fun together and I
really enjoy her company. Unfortunately, there's a problem with
our sex life. You see, she keeps wanting to wear costumes when we
make love, like nurse's outfits and prostitute boots. Sometimes
she wants me to dress up as Superman. And then she'll bring out
handcuffs and whips. And then other times she'll dress in lingerie
and won't let me do anything except fuck her up the ass. Once she
insisted we have sex in the back row of a church, and another time
I was forced to watch her lick the pussy of another beautiful
woman, who was in the habit of dressing as a schoolgirl. She wants
to suck my dick at least 4 times a day, and she often meets me for
lunch so we can go into a public toilet for sex. Meanwhile, all I
want to do is have some missionary position sex and then play
Monopoly afterwards. Is that too much to ask? Ah, Edgar. This reminds me of my youth, when I used to tax the strength of my dear husband Fenwick quite a great deal. Except of course that it was hard to find Superman costumes in those days, and during the war we often had to meet for sex in a bomb shelter. Let me assure you that he was also one of those Monopoly types, but, nonetheless, when he shuffled off this mortal coil, they couldn't get his erection down, or the smile off his face. You have a happy future ahead of you, my boy. Dear Grandma, Does masturbation
really give you hairy palms? Well, only if you do it a certain way, as my son Arnold discovered one day, much to everyone's embarrassment. He decided he rather liked one of my fox fur coats, you see, and had taken up rubbing it across this privates in the bathroom, or while Fenwick and I were out. One afternoon he thought he'd add to the experience by using shave cream as a lubricant, however he made a tragic mistake in the heat of the moment and picked up my denture adhesive without looking. Before long he had fur stuck all over his groin and his hands, and he damned near became permanently attached to the toilet. It took a doctor three hours and a pair of vice-grip forceps to remove all of it, by which point Arnold's screams had woken half the hospital. The worst part was I had to take him to there without my teeth in. As I said, it was very embarrassing. My advice is: stick to fake fur and water based lubricants at all times. Just who is Grandma Scrotum? "Gladys Scrotum's
study of the Female Epididymus has been well documented." "Grandma Scrotum
taught me everything I know." "There is no
proof that Gladys Scrotum actually invented sex, but recent
anecdotal evidence suggests she at least masterminded the
advertising campaign." "I don't think
I'm the only person that Gladys has shagged to death." "Don't tell
anybody, but Sexual Behaviour in the Human Female was
really a biography of Mrs Scrotum." "I did not have
sex with that woman."
Visit Grandma Scrotum's other sites: Grandma Scrotum's Sex Tips (a site for women), or Grandma Scrotum's Guide to the Clitoris and Cunnilingus Newbie webmasters may wish to visit Grandma Scrotum's Beginners Guide to Adult Website Creation
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